"Are we going up, or just going down? Just a matter of time until we all find out. Take your tears, put them on ice. I need to take a pill to make this town feel okay."

Ah, the wisdom in the music. So, this is growing up, I suppose. Moving away, getting married...waiting...

I'll tell you what growing up is. Growing up is mostly just figuring out that no matter how hard you fight it, you will be a slave to money for the rest of your life. Oh, you can fool yourself out of it when you're young, thinking that when you grow up it won't be as bad. We spend our whole adolesence saying "when I grow up..." and as adults we spend our time thinking "God, I'd sure give anything to be a kid again!" And it's true. I would. To be able to go through the day without anything more worrying than a scraped knee to interrupt my blissful ignorance.

Ah. Money. Show of hands--who hates money?

Ooh, Ooh! I do, I do! Pick me!

I wish I had the money to buy a house. Why? I don't really know...because a house is a BIG responsibility. BIG. And when you buy a house you don't just buy a house. You have to pay utilities, buy a lawn mower and a hose and worry about a sprinkler system and you need furniture to furnish the house and you can't just call the landlord if your roof is leaking...nope. You gotta pony up the dough to have someone come fix it.

So why? Why, Jessa? Why do you want to buy a house?

Stability. Investment. A puppy. A family. A garden. A future.

Pick one.

(I'm rambling, I know.)

How about ego? That could do it. Same reason I want to buy a new car (but won't, because it would be useless). Vanity.

I'll tell you what else is growing up. Growing up is being hit in the face with the reality that sometime soon, you'll be a parent (not that soon--I'm not implying anything...I'm just saying in general).

A parent.

I don't know how to be a parent! I can barely keep up with myself, much less a child. And you know how you're mom always tells you: "You'll understand when you're a mom..." well, that phrase now holds a different weight. A parent. Talk about life changing.

I'm in awe of those who already are parents. People I graduated with who have kids. Kudos. You're brave. I'm a wimp, I guess. And the more I think about it, the more scared I get too.

So this is growing up. When you're little you think that all those answers that are so out of your reach will be easy to come by when you grow up, don't you? I did. And now I'm "grown up" and I still don't know! And all those answers to questions like "what are you going to be when you grow up?" and "where will you be in 5 years?" seem farther away now than they ever did.
Everyone else seems so much better prepared. Everyone seems to have a plan. I don't have a plan. Honestly, I didn't plan much further than "growing up, getting married and having a family." Was there something I missed that was supposed to prepare me for this? Was there like a confrence somewhere that everyone else went to but me? It's hard to say, really.

And what can you do, really? You just gotta keep on keeping on, yeah? I guess so. The answers may never come, and we may be wondering for ever.

So what is growing up?

Life is growing up.