Work work work.

Here I am, sitting at my desk. What am I doing? Not a whole lot of anything really.

Scratch that. I'm playing a lot of Bejeweled. Why? Because I can.

I often find myself wondering about my work and why I stay at this job that I'm not passionate about. I don't hate it, for sure. The pay is good and benefits are excellent (yada yada yada), but it's not me. Anyone who's ever met me would know that this type of thing is pretty much the complete opposite of my personality. It's well within my range of ability--it's not rocket science, but it's not like everyone could have passed those damned tests--but it's not really something I could ever be excited about.

I need to be doing something creative. I need to be adding value to people's lives in one way or another. And not monetary value (which is basically my job now..."How much do you need to withdraw from your retirement savings today?") either. I want to be artistic. I want to be creating things that are beautiful and inspiring. And while "inspiring" may be completely out of my range, it would at least be providing me with inspiration and motivation to actually get out of bed in the morning.

Problem being that I just don't know what that creative, inspiring, artistic thing is yet. As my darling husband will attest to, I've changed my mind about a thousand times. Massage Therapist, CFP, Beautician...the list goes on. I think I've finally reverted back to the original idea of being a teacher. Teacher of what is still up in the air. I'm currently leaning heavily toward an English major with a Spanish minor (which would probably translate to English as a Second Language). Mostly all I know is that I need to go back to school. It's hard to get back into it after 2 years, as everyone told me, but I'm determined and will soon have the resources to do so. If it weren't for Utah's stupid residency laws I'd be back this semester or next. Stupid Utah.

The problem with school is the choices. So many choices. Which classes to take, which area to persue. They should create a program for people like me that let's us dabble in anything and everything without being restricted by things like "majors". We'd call it getting a Major in Everything and Nothing. That'd be stellar. "I have a E&N Degree." I get to school and get involved in so many different subjects...how I am supposed to pick one? I'm supposed to find the one I'm passionate about. Passion.

Hmm.

I'm not entirely sure there is any one subject, area of study, topic that I've ever been truely passionate about. I enjoy art. I enjoy languages, I enjoy music, I enjoy theater and acting. I enjoy learning for the most part. But there isn't one single solitary subject that I've ever been REALLY into. Probably because I doubt myself so much. I don't believe that my artistic skills or language skills or musical skills or acting skills are worth pursuing. But maybe that's just an excuse I use to be lazy and not purse them. Hmm. Interesting, eh?

A day will come when I don't have to work at all. Then what will I do with my time? I'd be bored blind after about a week, I'm sure. And I don't have anything against work at all, it's just work that I don't like doing. I feel as though I'm selling myself out for the love of money. But arent' we all? Who has a job that they really truely love? I mean, there are the lucky ones of course, but the majority of us are doing what we're doing just to get by, and only barely at that.

One of these days this girl will be able to make a firm decision. Now just to decide what day that will be...