FYI: Orgasms

I found this on GraphJam. They found it at Medical Insurance.

Shakeweight and Truth

So, I just came around the corner and work and one of my coworkers was holding a Shakeweight. I can't even begin to tell you how entertained I am by this product. I mean...have you seen the commercial? Even if you have, please enjoy it again for me:Awesome, right? I mean, do they even realize??? I suppose they don't, which is both sad and hilarious at the same time. Maybe they should watch THIS ONE instead to get a clue (I literally almost peed my pants watching that version!) I never thought I'd come across one in real life, but then one just showed up! Of course I had to try it. Get this: it doesn't turn on! Here I'm thinking that the thing shakes on its own, but NO! You actually have to shake it yourself... ... ... yup. Entertainment for days.

So, on a less scandalous note, perhaps, one of my coworkers emailed me this list, and I had to repost:

Undeniable Truths for mature humans

1. I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.

2. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.

3. I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.

4. There is great need for a sarcasm font.

5. How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?

6. Was learning cursive really necessary?

7. Map Quest really needs to start their directions on # 5. I'm pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.

8. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.

9. I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired.

10. Bad decisions make good stories.

11. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you know that you just aren't going to do anything productive for the rest of the day.

12. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blue Ray? I don't want to have to restart my collection...again.

13. I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten-page technical report that I swear I did not make any changes to.

14. I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.

15. I think the freezer deserves a light as well.

16. I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Lite than Kay.

17. I wish Google Maps had an "Avoid Ghetto" routing option.

18. I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.

19. How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear or understand a word they said?

20. I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars team up to prevent a jerk from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers and sisters!

21. Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever.

22. Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.

23. Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, finding their cell phone, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey - but I'd bet everyone can find and push the snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time, every time!

24. The first testicular guard, the "Cup," was used in Hockey in 1874 and the first helmet was used in 1974. That means it only took 100 years for men to realize that their brain is also important.

I Got Better...

Click to see the whole thing. So classic!
courtesy of GraphJam

Photo Roundup

If one were to scroll through the photo reel on my phone one would find one of two types of pictures: the series, in which several pics are taken of the same thing or event, and the randoms, which have no theme or connection. For example:

This came out of a high school memory box not too long ago, and I felt compelled to display it. This is a classic example of what Bestie and I called the Caitlin page. Many a page of big blank paper was covered similarly, using our favorite weapon of choice, the crayola marker. The Caitlin page either began or encouraged my collage obsession...

A lady bug made its way into my house during my birthday party. She was there for a couple of days too. I tried to help her get back outside, but my efforts were in vain. I didn't see her again, though, so I hope she made it!

This is a tree outside of my Chiropractor's office. It was the first tree I saw changing colors, and this is two or three weeks after I first noticed. The weather has been amazing for the last two weeks: warm with a nice cool breeze. Perfect! But the creeping brown on these leaves and the red pockets showing up on the mountain face don't lie: Winter is coming.

Not surprisingly, one of the themed series on my photo reel is Kitty, and now it's not just my kitty! Meet Hanna:

She is one of T's kitties, and she has gorgeous green eyes and the cutest little cheeks you will ever see!

Speaking of green eyes, this is what happens when Kitty looks directly at the camera as it is flashing:

Alien kitty! The best part is that the reflected flash is so much that you can hardly see the rest of her.

Warm Weekend = Heaven

So, don't judge me, but I may have gone to Ikea twice yesterday and spent money both times. Hey! I said don't judge! I finally bought my bed! It has not yet been constructed (that may actually have to wait until next weekend), but I own it! The good news is that the price dropped $20 from when I looked at it originally. And, it only came in two boxes, which were only slightly unweildy (HUGE thanks to Megs and Faye for carying them up my stairs for me!!I'm under strict orders from my doctor not to lift more than 10 lbs lest I aggravate my hip injury further, so I totally owe my girls lunch).

Of course, as it is Ikea, I couldn't just go in and come out with the bed! Nope, I also bought some shelves for my front room, a new rug for my kitchen (one of their awesome little circle ones in blue), and some file folder boxes because my filing system is in serious need of organization. When I went back in the evening with my bf, I bought hanging folders and a double sided mirror for my bathroom. I sure to love that Ikea! They are so handy. And their stuff is cute too! I'm pretty sure that my entire house will eventually be furnished with all Ikea stuff, save my dining room table.

So, two Ikea trips in one weekend? Must be Spring! It's about time too, because I am FED UP TO HERE WITH THE COLD! I just want it to be warm now that we're mid-way through May. Is that really so much to ask? I think not! This weekend did not disappoint like the first weekends in May did. Last weekend was warm too, I guess, but I was in ye ol' IF Town, where it was 50 degrees and windy. I was there for a baby shower for my dearest Carmy, who is expecting her first baby girl (Emri Jade) on June 10. At the shower I got to see one of my favorite mom's ever, Mrs. W, with her two newest granddaughters. I have a couple of pics from that event, which will have to be posted at some undetermined time in the future because my lap top is shot to hell, and I'm still in the process of buying a desktop to hook up to my 32" TV (woot! Only looking for the best deal at this point. Hopefully by next weekend I'll have made a decision on that).

In addition to going baby-clothes crazy at Target for baby Emri, I also made her a quilt by hand. I busted out my sewing machine finally (it's been sitting unused in my second room since August of last year when T got it for me for my b-day), and even though it is obviously handmade, the quilt turned out awesomely I think. I'll definitely be doing more of that kind of thing now that I know for sure how to thread my machine (it's complicated, okay?). I also get to make curtains for my new bed, and I need to make some for the entry way closet because the accordion doors on that are basically useless without a bottom track (which, for some unbeknownst reason, was never reinstalled after the carpet was laid).

I've been feeling so crafty lately! Even though it totally gives me away as having been raised a Mo, I am really glad that I have some talent for handcrafts like sewing and crochet. They are useful talents, really, and I would much rather make than buy, particularly when it comes to giving gifts. I just need to focus in on those talents and see what I can do with them. I'd love to start selling on Etsy, so I'll need to build up somewhat of an inventory. That's pretty much what I'll be working on over the summer. As well as painting (both creatively and decoratively) and getting more ink done. All in all I think it will be a really productive and exciting summer.

True Honesty

So, Lindsey tagged me, and last time she did I failed to comply. But since it's Sunday and I'm at work looking to be entertained, I give in.

10 Truths about Jessa (that you may or may not already know).

1. Honesty is not my best quality. I have a tendency to lie to myself, and therefore to others. I was allowed to get away with it so much during my childhood that I sometimes find myself lying by default. It's a problem of which I am aware and on which I am working to improve.

2. I won't hold a grudge. It's a pointless waste of energy, I think, to stay angry at someone for something that happened however long ago. The only exception to this rule so far to date is that of my ex-husband, whom I begrudge a little less each day that he does not try to contact me. So it stands to reason that soon enough he will no longer be the exception, granted he doesn't pull any of his usual crap and cause the cycle to begin again...

3. Music is a necessity. I rarely do anything that does not involve music in some way, aside from sleeping, but I have eclectic tastes. My all time favorite is Incubus, but I also listen to Kanye and Snoop Dogg, Portishead, Gym Class Heroes, La Roux and Lady Gaga. I'm constantly looking for new sounds and artists. Music is one of the exceptions to the Everything in Moderation rule.

4. My favorite colors are red, black and white. I know it's lame, but I love the combination, okay? I've been trying to resist decorating my entire house in the theme, but so far I have mostly failed. My couch is white and the book shelf and TV stand and the TV itself are all black...

5. I have commitment issues. That's probably not surprising, considering. I guess it's more true to say that I have commitment issues when it comes to relationships with the opposite sex, because commitment in general doesn't scare me too much. I did purchase a house, after all, and I'm 100% committed to myself and my family, so really it's only the idea of committing to a relationship that scares me.

6. I believe in facing my fears. I've recently begun watching scary movies (which, believe me, is a challenge for one as sensitive and squeamish as me), the goal being to overcome my fear of such things. Similarly, I've also faced up to my fear of commitment, and now I find myself in a relationship. It's only been two months or so, and I still catch myself fretting over all the what-ifs. But, as the old priest says in Keeping the Faith, you can't truly make a commitment without realizing that it is a decision you keep making, over and over again. So I'm keeping that in mind and trying my damnedest to keep all my crazy contained ;-) Luckily for me, I've found a man that makes it easy to not be crazy.

7. I don't get ruffled. I tend to let things go without making a big deal. I don't like confrontation, so I do what I can to avoid it. That does not, however, mean that I'm a pushover. If it comes right down to it, I will most certainly express my opinion or make my annoyance/anger/etc. known.

8. I really struggle with being passive-aggressive. Left to my own devices, I'll be passive-aggressive if and when I think I can get away with it. Being married to another passive-aggressive person for four years only served to make my habit all that much worse. However, I am aware of the issue (obviously) and am working to break it. As a result, I'm discovering just how hard it is to break a habit that is 24 years in the making.

9. I am easily entertained, and I'm NOT sorry about it. What's so wrong with wanting to laugh instead of scream at a movie? Or being excited about little things like bubble paper? Don't judge me ;-)

10. I am an insufferable knowitall. I just can't help it, okay? I grew up with a father that always has an answer (usually true) to any random question that was thrown at him. I must have picked it up from him, because I'll answer any question if I know the answer and even if it isn't directed at me. Again, knowledge is power, and my awareness of the issue helps immensely.

So anyhow. I hope we all learned something today. It's not as hard to be honest as I originally thought. I'm going to tag April, Mrs.T, Faye-alicious and Sarah. Ready............GO!

Weekend Update (with Photos, minus Tina Fey)

And it's Sunday again. I swear they just keep sneaking up on me! In case you're wondering, 6 am is way too early to be doing ANYTHING on a Sunday morning besides sleeping, and yet here I was, at work, logged in and ready to go by 5:59 am. Blasphemy, I tell you, blasphemy.

In any case, the weekend was good. I got to see my BFF and her baby girl. Last time I saw Paisley Mae she was about 7 pounds. Now, she's about 17 and just getting cuter! Don't believe me? Here she is!Told you so! Isn't she just the cutest? You see her hands? Those little fingers are constantly moving like she's grabbing at the air. It's too cute. I just want to squeeze her. Paisley is not biologically my niece, of course, but April might as well be my sister so I'll claim her offspring as such! She's entered that baby phase of development where she's just observing and soaking everything in. She is soooooooo well behaved. She only got cranky at IKEA right as we were about to leave and needed a diaper change. She was fascinated with my hair too. She just stared at it and wanted to wrap her fingers in it. OMG, she's a doll! I heart her. Can you tell? Oh yeah, and her mom is good too :)

Speaking of IKEA, I may or may not have spent $140 there. It would have been at least $300 more had I had a means of transporting this bed:Can I just tell you how stoked I was to see this there?? I have been looking for a simple four poster with clean lines (none of the fancy, turned posts for me, thanks very much!) for ages, and there it is waiting for me at IKEA. I love IKEA so much! This will be the first thing I buy when I get back from Europe next month and have located a truck or something big enough to haul it.

In other news. Last weekend was the first day of Spring, and I took advantage of the warmth by wandering around my neighborhood for about six hours with my bf. It was awesome, and I've got to tell you; I am SOOOO glad that I don't live in Midvale any more. In our wandering, we found a cute little game/hobby store in the complex up the street. I couldn't pass up the opportunity to get a picture with this particular game: The Bullet? You bet! How's that for awesomeness?

Also in the awesomeness category, my dear friend Mr. Tolman's shirt. Behold: Check out all his Majesty!

And this one, of my Matty! I found this picture on my phone a couple of days ago, but I don't remember taking it. All his 6'4" fits rather nicely in my little nook, eh?

So that's it for this edition of the Weekend Update with Photos. Stay tuned for another exciting episode to come (eventually...)!

I Read it on Wiki....

From Wikipedia: "Wikipedia's 15 million articles (3.2 million in English) have been written collaboratively by volunteers around the world, and almost all of its articles can be edited by anyone with access to the site."

Translation: anyone can write/edit for Wiki. In my mind, that means that anyone can make up whatever they want and throw it into Wikipedia as fact. And yet, Wikipedia is toted as the end-all of the online resources. It is used and allowed as legitimate source material for writing a research paper (which, while I think that is a huge detriment to the advance of information in a digital age, I can't really complain because all of the research papers I've written in the last three years were helped along by Wikipedia). I bring this all up because during a conversation about cars last night I was told point blank, "It's true! I read it on Wiki." To me, that sounds an awful lot like "It's true! I saw it on Fox News." Click on that link to read the insanity. Not recommended for conservatives that love the channel, but pretty dang useful to those of us rational people who expect our "news" to be relevant AND true... Okay, the "rational people" comment is probably uncalled for, but seriously? Suing for and winning the right to lie to your viewers and yet people still watch it...? I'm so confused.

At least Wikipedia takes some precautions against full on lies being published. Of course, I'm sure plenty still get through. Not surprisingly, Wikipedia and Fox News fit pretty perfectly into Baudrillard's theory of Simulacra and Simulation. Maybe one day (perhaps not to long from now), the only information we know will have come from Wikipedia, and the absolute truth about reality will be distorted to the point that we don't even suspect that it is.

Then again, "absolute truth" is nothing more than a concept at this point. Information, regardless of source, is never delivered unhindered or unaltered by some sort of bias to the general public. Sometimes the alterations are unintentional, of course, because people can't help but relate things in their own view and with their own words, but sometimes (cough cough the Bush administration) information is altered on purpose to serve certain interest.

This is more or less why I am so cautious about any "fact" on the internet. A new term should be invented to describe this wave of half truths and biased fact, and then everyone should agree to use it so that people can tell the difference!

Anyway. Be skeptical is all I'm saying.

So here's some awesomeness for you.
I heart P!ink, and I particularly like that her ex is in this video with her. You go girl!

Awesomeness on a Tuesday

see more LOLz

So, if you haven't been to any of the LOLz sites, such as icanhazcheezburger.com or thereifixedit.com, I truly feel for you because your life sucks even worse than you thought. Obviously your life is too lame already to enjoy such nuggets of awesomeness. Regardless, you should go there now. The link is on the left of my blog, labeled "LOLZ." Go and waste an afternoon looking through all of the awesomeness. Trust me, you won't regret it!

Snow

Amen, Stealth cat, amen!

Random Photo Round Up

I will be blogging about the parties that have been had at mi casa over the last couple of weeks soon. That's going to have to wait until I'm not at work all day, though, because the pictures are on my home computer. In the mean time, I've been snapping some awesome shots on my phone. Observe:I came across these guys a couple months ago when I was painting a house in Rose Park with a group of volunteers from my work. They were just chillin on the foundation. I don't think I've ever seen snails in UT before. I came across plenty of empty snail shells when I was a kid and played in the dirt, but I don't remember ever seeing a live snail. How odd.

This is a Pink Flamingo roll from Mikado. I snapped the pic bc A) it's pink and B) because a certain bestie of mine LOVES flamingos. So, naturally, when I saw it on the menu I just had to have it. And it turned out to be delicious!

Further fun times at the Halloween store. Have I mentioned recently how freaking cool my friend Lindsey is? Because she is awesome, and the world should know it!

These are my toes after the first pedicure that I have had in over two years. I've been told by more than one person over the last few weeks that I have cute toes. I never thought so, but they do look pretty cute in this pic!

I came across this beauty in the Albertson's parking lot on 45th and Highland. It was filling up with gas when I went into the store, so I didn't think I'd get a pic. Low and behold, it was parked a few spaces away by the time I left the store, so I took my chance. I mean, how often do you run across a real Delorean?Not very.

I saved this one for last because of its awesomeness. I won't even give an explanation, because I think it speaks for itself. I will only say one thing: I'm kind of a dork.

And I'm okay with that.

Stay tuned for tales and pics from the Halloween Party, Faye's wedding, and T's Mad Hatter Tea Party.

I Don't Know Who this Is...

...but she is hot, and I totally agree!!! Thanks, ROFLrazzi!

I'm Such a Geek

see more Funny Graphs

That doesn't even make any sense.

Saavy?

Bad news: A Halloween store opened across the street. Why is that bad news? Because I will likely spend a good chunk of money there over the next four weeks.

So, what's the good news? Pirate get-up at work:
Grr!

I am a very scary pirate. Rawr!Yes, I am still wearing the hat. Take that, professionalism!

Not to Upstage Paisley

But seriously? I had to post this.

From yet another time-wasting Web site, Lol Celebs. Love it!

Find a Happy Place

In an effort to stave off the bad mood that has resulted in me having to contact an irate customer over the phone today concerning an issue that was caused by one of my HIGHLY intelligent colleagues in another site (that's sarcasm, in case you missed it), I have decided to make a list of all the good things that have happened and will be happening soon.

1. VACA!
I have all of next week off, so today is the last day I have to work until September 14. If that's not good news, I don't know what is!

2. IF, ID
As a result of my week-long vacation and lack of funds (find a happy place....find a happy place), I am embarking on the 3 hour drive to my home town straight from work. Well, technically straight from the Jiffy Lube in DT, where I have to stop to renew my car's registration before I drive through Davis County.

3. BOATING
What else is there to say? Except that there will be multiple trips out to the lake, and I'll probably come back fried to a crisp. That's a good thing though, because it's September, and I need to freshen up the tan before winter comes (and I have to start going to the cancer beds...)

4. POTTERY
The brightest spot in my week so far, and not just because of the flaming kiln ;-)

5. GUILTY PLEASURES
TFLN, CuteOverload, AFP, Cracked.

6. PARTY PLANNING
My dear friend Faye is getting married in November, and T and I get to throw her bachelorette party. The planning process has involved trips to multiple adult toy stores (including one in Wendover, NV), talks with a Slumber Party consultant and constructing an inappropriately shaped (and sized) pinata. All in all, we're having way too much fun, and Faye is a brave girl for putting us in charge!

7. SHENANIGANS
A coworker of mine recently transferred to one of our branch offices in Denver, CO. We all miss him terribly...er something. Well, in any case, we may or may not have just inter-office mailed him one chop stick, a floss pick and a marshmallow. Because that's how we roll.

8. FLASHBACK
I don't even know this Britney (nor have I ever heard that song before. Is that what we're teaching girls these days? Gag me). The Britney I know (and love) shaved her head, held her son hostage, was committed and then came back with this badassery. You go girl.

TFLN

So, I added the link for TextsFromLastNight to my list over there, and I've been perusing it endlessly since discovering it about a week ago. Here it today's gem:

(708): A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.

I want to be friends with the sender of that text message! Perhaps it's just morbid curiosity, or maybe it's because reading about the crazy messed up things people do while intoxicated makes me feel much better about my own life, but I freaking love TFLN.

Disclaimer: If you haven't ever been to the site, beware that it will consume every last minute of your day and night to get through the 450 or so archive pages. And yes, you will want to read them all, because random messages without any backstory are just plain awesome.

Analysis

Of all the Web sites I love (and trust me, there are many), XKCD has a way of reminding me that simplicity always wins out.



Touche.

Friday's Entertainment

So, have I mentioned how much I love Cracked.com? I think I may have mentioned it once or twice. Well, the reasons to love it just keep coming. Today's reason is this: Brutual Honesty. And, then there is this one, which may just be the awesomest summary of a book series I have ever read. I really hope you all enjoy these as much as I did! =D

I Would NEVER...

Have I mentioned that I now have an addiction to Cracked? Cuz I do. And this is probably why. I don't know about y'all, but I've never been guilty of number 8. Ever.